Self doubt, vulnerability and the collapse of confidence.

I have this tendency to "put the cart before the horse", as my father would say.  I develop intricate plans around hypotheticals and when they don't come to fruition, I find myself crushed and rudderless.

While I'm probably the biggest flake you'll ever find, I have this deep, substantial yearning to live a normal life and have normal emotions.  I want to relate to others.  I want to interact without a crippling feeling of anxiety.  I want to have, like, an ounce of confidence in myself and my abilities.  I don't want to feel things so deeply and irrationally. I don't enjoy questioning and overthinking everything. I want to express myself without the use of metaphors and similes.  I wish I could see the world in black and whites and absolutes.  I want so badly to want a white picket fence, 9 to 5 job, and 2.5 children.

I have so much resentment toward myself for being unable to be that girl.

When I look in the mirror, all I see are the things that I am not.