Musings of a dry-drunk.

Before giving up alcohol completely, my husband and I were a part of the music festival/indie jam band scene.  We'd spend our summers touring ours and the surrounding states just to witness our favorite bands and take part in the incredible community that exists within this subculture.  In the winter, we'd pack ourselves into our vehicle once a month and take a three hour drive just to see those same bands play tightly packed shows in dive bars.  It was always a blast....

Then we got sober. Suddenly, these shows were just booze-fueled headaches.

Here's something that nobody seems to be talking about: Music festivals and concerts can be an incredibly difficult and isolating place if you are sober.

(I want to take a beat here and clarify what I'm trying to say.  Music festivals and concerts have a notorious reputation for drug use and abuse, but I'm fortunate to have been in a community that either did not participate in or sheltered me from such things. I am talking specifically about my experiences with alcohol.)

Drinking doesn't just seem to be accepted, it's encouraged.  Prior to sobriety, I had made several good friends by "slapping the bag" (a term for when one removes the bladder from box wine, carries it around with them and offers individuals the opportunity to slap the back and take a drink).  When I got sober, I still received offers, but when I said, "No thanks!  I don't drink," I was often asked why or  told that it was "just wine" and that it "didn't even count".

That bothered me.  It didn't bother me that someone was being polite and making an offer, it bothered me that my experience was being discounted.  It bothered me that my voice wasn't being heard.  It bothered me that I was being asked to explain or justify my reasons for abstaining from alcohol and changing my life to a stranger who was breathing alcohol in my face....

We stuck it out for a while, though.  We tried to remain a part of this counter-culture and community for almost a year after giving up drinking, but we were never able to find our place.  Maybe we weren't looking in the right places, maybe we didn't have the right attitudes, but we just couldn't find likeminded people.

There were some who thought we were judging them for drinking, others who made it their mission or goal to get us to break our commitment to ourselves (it was like an early 90s ad for peer pressure!)  Most frustrating though, is when someone says, "Oh yeah, I don't drink either except for weekends/holidays/anniversaries/parties/special occasions/days that end in y."  Whenever someone says that to me I just want to say, "Yeah? Because I don't drink.  Ever.  Because I can't use alcohol the way you do."

It's not that I have a problem with people drinking (I actually enjoy using my sobriety to ensure the safety of people that I love.  I don't mind being the DD, or lending a shoulder to steady a friend, or talking to someone who is feeling emotional.  I mean, it's not exactly my first choice to deal with vomit, but if someone is sick, I am actually able to help them these days) .  I have a problem with people not recognizing MY problem with drinking.  I choose not to drink because I don't know how to moderate use.  I choose not to drink because I use it to self medicate.  I choose not to drink because I don't know how to stop.  I choose not to drink because I get weird and self destructive and hypersexual.  I choose not to drink because it did nothing but lead me down a path of abuse and depression.  I choose not to drink because I love my life more than I love not feeling things that scare me.

And I hate feeling like I'm the odd girl out just because I've made a decision to change myself and my life for the better.  I hate feeling like I don't fit in because I don't have a glass in my hand.  I hate being considered a "downer" or a "buzzkill" for being able to walk someone through the events of a night.  I hate being isolated and ignored and not invited to parties simply because I'm making a decision that is healthy for me (and my relationships!)

I wish that I could consume alcohol in a way that was healthy, but I can't.  I don't know how, and I know, deep in my addict-heart, that there is no way to learn.

Most people don't realize that I've chosen sobriety over socialization.  Most people probably don't realize that those were the only options I had at the time.

I'm sad that this has caused me to become an outcast in the only world I ever felt that I belonged in, but I guess that happens.  So it goes, right?